My Father July 29, 2007
I talked to my dad 9 days ago, we just talked about life, home building wood floors graffiti, allergies, It was sooooo good to talk to him, I have missed him my whole life, I realize I was never allowed to talk about him and his name was never mentioned at all growing up, our relationship was never encouraged, I can count on two hands the amount of times I have seen him since we moved from Denver when I was two and the majority of those was when I was married and I pursued him, I miss my Father, I had a conversation with my mom and my adopted dad about this they understood, but did they really??? how can they understand the loss of one’s father, When I was a child I would look for him everywhere I would imagine him coming for me, It was shameful to talk about him of say he was my dad, I was never allowed a relationship with my dad, I feel like I was robbed of him, we came to Denver every summer, one summer I really wanted to see him and my parents handed me a phone book, I called all four people with the same names as my dad, I did not get ahold of him, the first contact with him is when Charlie my adopted dad wanted to legally adopt me at age 14 he somehow found my dads number and called him and asked him to sign off rights to me, unknown to my parents and the attorney there is no legal father listed on my birth certificate, Charlie ended up not adopting me but doing a legal name change instead.
I miss my dad so much. I’m pretty sad about him not being a part of my life.
After talking to my parents about how all of this my A/D Charlie said that he still wants to adopt me, I feel like its just a bunch of the same thing, why does he need to take ownership of me I’m almost thirty and he has raised me and been really the only father I have ever known, for him to adopt me would complete sever the ties I have with my father and make me feel like I have to chose all over again who to love.
What I have learned through all of this is that they should have talked about my dad and acknowledged him in my life they should have both talked about him and given him a face and a name, and given him significance in my life as my dad and father, my mom should have talked about their years together, put pictures up and created a story of my life with him.
I was also robbed of my two older brothers I did not see Robin until I was 19, and I saw Mance when I was 18.
What I learned at a adoption conference is that you have to mourn the loss for your adopted children because they do not know how to.
